so i dont know its not really a poem...i guess it's some sort of narrative? yo no se, but until i get the courage to post these on facebook, or, god forbid, drag myself down to 16th and mission I shall start posting these here.

so here you go livejournal, this ones called literally....

Tear me open, she whispers, crack the shell and peer inside.

There's a flash, and the room fills with color and light.

Spiraling, laughing, endless energy and joy.

And fear.

And doubt.

She cries, What do you see?

               I see you. All of you.

The air is vibrating, and pulsating

              The energy rising, becoming heavier, thicker.

It's suffocating I

Curl myself in a corner,

able but unwilling to move.

The darkness returns.

Everything is still.

Your turn

But when you rip me open there is only

blood,

and muscle

and bone.

Heart, lungs, a stomach, and intestines

No energy nor light only

             Swirling, gushing endless red liquid.

It's not beautiful, it not even poetic, it's disgusting.

But it's real.

It's true.

And it's just as powerful as any metaphor, or similie or cascade of imagery

More powerful than

                          you

In the darknes I shout, What do you see?

Silence

And I can feel you standing there,

able but unwilling to move.

so in the third grade we were told to bring our favorite book into class where we would all take a vote and whoevers book won we would read and discuss it in class. so i was the only one who actually brought a book in. The Rainbow Kid, a book my cousin had gave me. it was old even back then and the cover was all worn and for third grade it was kinda thick (of course this is all from memory). so just in case no one brought any books our teacher (Miss Rashford...best teacher ever) had her own book the class could vote on. James and the Giant Peach. The book was new, and shiney with pictures and talking insects, plus the movie had just came out so everyone pretty much new what it was about. im almost positive the rainbow kid was about a girl who parents were going through a divorice and the only outlet she had was a book that she drew rainbows on. kind of depressing...and definitely no talking insects. so everyone sat down and we all had a vote. guess which book won?

i was in tears! so much so that i immediately ran to the bathroom in front of everyone. Miss Rashford of course followed after me. I told her it wasnt fair that everyone just voted for James because they had seen the movie and they didnt even give my book a chance, and blah blah blah. so to get me to calm down she said she'd have the class vote again. this time the class voted for my book.

i cried. again. probably not as hard as the first time but there were definitely tears. i knew even back then that it was a pity vote and that no one really wanted to read my book. so i told them to just read james and the giant peach and i spent the rest of class in the bathroom.

its so weird how stuff like that still effects me. if we watch a movie together thats one of my favorites and you dont absolutely love it, i dont burst into tears but i do kinda offence. same kinda goes for music. which is retarded right? i mean you cant argue opinon! and then when you do fall in love with one of my favorites i get so excited! like overly excited.

so there it is. i just was kind of thinking about it since i brought a ton of my movies down with me to socal and have been watching a few with my family, and then i remembered the whole rainbow kid fiasco. debacle. i dont know i like both of those words. plus now im trying to get all of my friends to drive out to LA with me to see the room..which has been difficult. why do i have so many friends that absolutely hate leaving their comfort zones? like they literally start to freak out. they would so much rather go to regal and starbucks or just sit around drinking and watching movies on tv than actually going out and having new experiences? and the ones that do love to try new things are so flakey i just stopped inviting them alltogether. so whatever, we'll see.

i really need to get dressed and out of this bed....
 
 

not that very many do....livejournals a dying art if you can really call it an art, the point is i'm going to be rambling and jumping subjects like crazy not to mention horrible grammar and spelling errors so if you do happen to come across this which if you're reading this obviously you already have just know. you dont have to read this.
see what i mean? im only a few sentences in and already ive used the word this like twenty times. and now im over exagerating.

let me start actually start by saying this. im two different people. ok maybe im several different people but two in particular. i was watching greys anatomy today and it gets to this really emotional part that they have in every episode, and my mom who kept coming in and out started crying. like literally tearing up. and i started to get really annoyed with her. its a tv show! a really cheesy but quite entertatining tv show. its not real. it's all make believe. the people who die on the show didnt die in real life. they're actors. and then in my head i started going on this rant. guess what? bambi isnt real either! and if bambi isnt real then that means that bambis mother isnt real which then means that when she died....what does it matter. real people die everyday. for gods sake animals die every day. those people matter. those animal matter. those are actual lives. and when they're gone, it means something. 

thats one of me.

but im also a writer. my whole job, goal is to make people care about my make believe people, about their make believe lives.  so that if they die it also means something. so how can i be so annoyed with people showing emotion? i've had a few people read my stuff. let me rephrase that. i watched a few people read my stuff. and you know that if they read it straight through and you hear nothing, notice nothing on their face. if they dont laugh at the right places, or anything then you've failed.  so why do i get annoyed when people show emotion.

because im two different people. im the girl who knows that santa doesnt exist in person but believes that the spirit of santa claus lives with parents and that when they give you gifts on christmas and stuff your stockings they're doing it not just because they love you but also because of a fat guy in a red suit with a white beard. im the girl who believes in signs. who made her mom call her psychic best friend before she signed the lease to her apartment. but im also the girl when her father tells her that he has psychic abilities it takes every amount of energy she has not to laugh in his face.  im the hopeless romantic who cant stand the guy thats writing her a song on his guitar. or the guy who wants to sex her on his living room couch. who instead longs for a certain fullerton techie who barely even knows she exists! 

tonights the last night of 2007. tonights the night people think of resloutions to make the new year better than the last one. to make themselves better. like they're somehow magically going to change because their callendar does. this is who i am. and i dont expect that to change anytime soon.

i guess im done. at least for now.  

mood: groggy

"..........because you suck dick?"
"no, no. when i was younger i was 6 feet tall and had braces, and my friend was obsessed with james bond so he called me jaws."
"and you sucked his dick!"

sorry...my sister bought me an evening with kevin smith for my birthday and (much like all kevin smith movies) i'm in the process of watching it about 50 times. and to my shock and horror when i opened up the case the london disc was missing! so all i've been able to watch is toronto! and!.....anyway

so yes my bithday was last wednesday and despite what i had earlier envisioned the night before, i had a pretty awesome time. i love birthdays, truly i do. they just make you feel so speacial you know? i got so many calls from people i havent talked to in weeks! years even! and that always makes you feel good. its like "huh people actually still think about me down there." which sounds horrible, but when you're so far away...you cant help but wonder. 

lets see...what else is new....

i got a job! which i'm totally stoked about, not really because of the job itself but because i did the numbers and i'll actually be  financially stable for the next few months. if i dont spend money like crazy....which will be difficult! but rent is covered, dues are covered, mindi may even be covered, and maybe i'll be able to start saving for new york....... : )

i cut my hair! well...actually lauren cut my hair, so guess what? curly hair chandra has returned! with highlights! that she really didnt ask for! she wanted red! and she got blonde! damn hairdresser.....but everyone seems to like it (except for patches...but hes a douche) so whatever.   

nothing else new to report i suppose....i hate singing Poulanc. i love singing french. espeacially o nuit. 

and now i gotta start getting ready for work!

: )